I didn't win. Which is no big surprise. But I didn't even know I didn't win until I happened to check my Spam folder and see a bunch of emails from the CNBC Million Dollar Portfolio Challenge.

Oops. Imagine if I had actually won. I might have missed the email!

Let's see how poorly I did. I'm almost embarrassed to publish these. Gulp.

Portfolio 1: Entertainment

Symbol % Gain
MVL -2.43%
DWA 1.72%
ERTS -15.15%
ATVID 13.33%
Total -2.52%

Portfolio 2: Energy

Symbol % Gain
VQ -8.82%
PXP -16.09%
BRY -20.55%
BP -15.34%
Total -60.81%

Portfolio 3: Discount Shopping

Symbol % Gain
NDN -32.60%
DLTR 0.14%
FDO 1.63%
ROST 1.17%
Total -29.65%

Portfolio 4: Technology

Symbol % Gain
CLWR -26.04%
GIGM -29.31%
COMS -27.84%
YHOO -20.35%
Total -103.54%

Portfolio 5: First Week's Top Market Movers

Symbol % Gain
VQ -8.82%
APKT -54.25%
PSS -3.98%
ICOG -4.85%
Total -71.90%

Oh my. My my my. That's a lot of red. That's just… abysmal. I didn't do so badly last year, but sure as hell stunk like a rotting goose egg locked in a stuffy car during the summer this year, didn't I? This is why I'm in Silicon Valley and not Wall Street.